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elizanaomi

I need some honest advice ladies!

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I'm in need of some serious advice, and I don't know where else to go that I won't be judged and can get an honest unbiased opinion.

My partner and i have been together for 3 years now, we have lived together for the majority of this year

Okay so it started when I lost my job early October. I've been unemployed since but was able to keep myself afloat with my savings for a while probably a month and a half. When I ran out I told my partner and he was happy to support me, but his idea of supporting me is keeping a diary of every cent of money he spends rent and food wise on me and has asked me to pay it all back once I get a job. And even though I thought this was a bit weird seeing as he's my partner I agreed that I would do this if that's what he wants. I have been looking every day for jobs and applying for whatever I can actually do and literally get no call backs and he treats it constantly like I don't look for anything and always brings up the money and even a few nights ago suggested I get out a personal loan once I get a job so I can just pay him back in full. (I told him that was effing ridiculous and I wasn't going to owe a bank instead of him) and then yesterday we were driving somewhere and he brings up that he's planning on building a house and getting a first home buyers loan if he gets a new job that's coming up. And I'm just like wtf where did this come from, ever think to consult your partner on something like that! And he just acted like it was no big deal and said given my position right now I couldn't be a part of it.

I'm planning on seeing him at lunch today to talk about all this because it's really bothering me. My main points are that he seems to care a hell of a lot more about his money than me. And that he doesn't factor me into any of his future decisions and that doesn't really make me feel like I'm a serious part of his future.

Is this all warranted or am I just being silly and other couples are like this?

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Donatella makes a good point. A loving partner supports you without any IOUs attached. You are actively looking for work so dont feel guilty about that, he is keeping a list of what he has paid for and what you should reimburse him, now he wants you to get a loan. Girl, if this were my partner i would be saving for a bus ticket. Im sorry to be harsh but this guy is nasty and is doing nothing for your self esteem. ANd after three years together????

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It seriously sounds like he is planning his future without you in it, when my husband and I were still dating we were always supporting each other either he was not working and I supported him or I wasn't working and he supported me, but we never calculated how much we spent on each other and definitely did not ask for it back.If you get a loan your gonna be paying back interest does he know that especially on a personal loan the interest is pretty high. Babe I'm sorry to say but it sounds like he is just waiting for you to pay him back so he can get out of this relationship or I could be wrong and he's just doing it to motivate you to find a job .sorry if I'm putting thoughts into your head but that's how it looks. I'm sorry your in this situation good luck chatting with him.

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hi love, I agree with donatella, huge red flags, run baby run, 3 yrs is a long time, this would be different if you had only been together 3mths, but 3 yrs you shouldn't owe him a cent, he should be supporting you unconditionally, some marriages don't even last this long. when I meet my hubby after a few months, he lost his job and I said babe come live with me at my house and you can find a job then, so he did it took 5wks for him to get a job and I covered all the costs, never asked for a cent, now we are married with 2 kids and im lucky I have been a stay home mum the hole time, moto of my story, we are a partnership, we walk through life side by side, never one in front of the other and that's why to this day 17yrs later we are still so much in love. please think really hard about this man, if he is like this now what will he be like if you marry him. goodluck with your decision love.

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This sounds terrible!

What an ass hole, sorry but he seems like a really insensitive guy- especially since you guys haven't been going out for a couple months, you guys have been in a long term serious relationship and to hear this stuff is happening makes me question whether he sees you in his life in the long term?!

How could he morally ask you to pay back money on basic living expenses?!

Does this make you nervous at all?

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Thank you for all your responses! I am really worried about our future, I mean if this doesn't come up now it's just going to down the track. I don't think he is intentionally doing it in a mean way, I don't think he really understands how a partnership should work. He's always been so possessive of his money ever since I've known him, he's the biggest tight ass but I just didn't think he would let it affect our relationship like this. I just thought maybe he would realise that when you're in a relationship you have different responsibilities than just saving money for yourself. I'm feeling more alike a roommate he's doing a favour than his partner. I'm glad I'm not overreacting about this though

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Is he for real??!?? Sounds like he is almost just hanging around to get his money back then take off.. I mean to suggest you get a loan and pay him back ASAP says all sorts of things... And if not and this is how he plans to be in a partnership I would also run run run.... Imagine life married to him and having a child.. You would be living off his handouts and made to feel like u owe him.. No thanks x

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Is he for real??!?? Sounds like he is almost just hanging around to get his money back then take off.. I mean to suggest you get a loan and pay him back ASAP says all sorts of things... And if not and this is how he plans to be in a partnership I would also run run run.... Imagine life married to him and having a child.. You would be living off his handouts and made to feel like u owe him.. No thanks x

I agree with this totally!

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Hey I lost my job in november :( it's a horrible feeling... My partner an I have been together 3 years... He supports me and my daughter... Doesn't give me a hard time about it and is very supportive when I talk about certain jobs I am applying for,... If you don't have your partners support now I'd be seriously running far far away. Do you want to marry this person? Can you see yourself raising kids with him? Xx

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Get a loan to pay him back....seriously RED FLAG to me he has made emotional and physical plans to continue living his life with or without you in it, this is not a man who is IN LOVE with you or is looking at YOU as being a part of his future,

A partner should not ever make you feel like you are emotionally in debt to him let alone financially in debt to them either.

Please I know this is a hard time for you but I would be considering my own exit plan from this relationship if i were you.

You will get work again that is a sure bet, Life is to short to be unhappy and having negative feelings surrounding you constantly.

New Year is approaching, Make this your YEAR not his ;)

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Get a loan to pay him back....seriously RED FLAG to me he has made emotional and physical plans to continue living his life with or without you in it, this is not a man who is IN LOVE with you or is looking at YOU as being a part of his future,

A partner should not ever make you feel like you are emotionally in debt to him let alone financially in debt to them either.

Please I know this is a hard time for you but I would be considering my own exit plan from this relationship if i were you.

You will get work again that is a sure bet, Life is to short to be unhappy and having negative feelings surrounding you constantly.

New Year is approaching, Make this your YEAR not his ;)

^^^^^ totally agree :)

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Hey I lost my job in november :( it's a horrible feeling... My partner an I have been together 3 years... He supports me and my daughter... Doesn't give me a hard time about it and is very supportive when I talk about certain jobs I am applying for,... If you don't have your partners support now I'd be seriously running far far away. Do you want to marry this person? Can you see yourself raising kids with him? Xx

Hello Megz,

Inst it 'reasonable' to think that your partner of some three years 'cares' for you in the same way you'd care for him in similar circumstances?

It can take a 'crisis' (of sorts) to really show a person true character...

I recommend you invest in a copy of 'If you really loved me' by Toby Green

But you've taken a great step in the right direction by questioning the 'quality' of your relationship

Seek our support from your friends, choose your counsel wisely, do try to stay upbeat on the positive aspects of yourself

Meantime 'self care' is essential at this stressful time of the year

You are a worthy person ...

spottydog

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Sorry to hear u lost ur job, having a partner who acts this way is not gona make things easy! He sounds exactly like my ex!! We had to split EVERYTHING half half, he even made me replace fuel in his car if I borrowed it (the few times I was allowed!) It is actually a really shitty way to share ur life with someone! I would seriously consider ur future with this guy, how will he treat u as his wife etc?! Sounds very selfish and possessive :( ur partner should be supportive in every way, emotionally and financially!! I hope u find work soon and I wish u all the best in deciding what to do with ur guy!! X

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Hello Megz,

Inst it 'reasonable' to think that your partner of some three years 'cares' for you in the same way you'd care for him in similar circumstances?

It can take a 'crisis' (of sorts) to really show a person true character...

I recommend you invest in a copy of 'If you really loved me' by Toby Green

But you've taken a great step in the right direction by questioning the 'quality' of your relationship

Seek our support from your friends, choose your counsel wisely, do try to stay upbeat on the positive aspects of yourself

Meantime 'self care' is essential at this stressful time of the year

You are a worthy person ...

spottydog

Hi spotty dog,

yes it goes both ways, for instance when I was working I was paying for our private health insurance and groceries and I spoilt him and my daughter alot.. It does show true character when crisis's arise. In the first year of our relationship he broke his ankle and was off work for 6 weeks, I was basically his nurse. He always tell me how much more he fell in love with me when I was unconditionally looking after him.

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This is a really easy one to answer and you may not like it but it is: "definitely leave!".. pay off whatever you owe him asap and dump him.

Your future partner should treat you like an asset, not a liability and support you and love you no matter what happens.

My advice is always blunt, i know. But i'm not into bandaid solutions that will make you feel better now but in the long run prepare you for a shitty life with a moron.

No excuses for him - he's not a good man and we all deserve a good man. Dump him and start dating kind-hearted gentlemen! xo

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your boyfriend sounds like a ****.... My BF loaned me a large amount of money bc I was facing deportation and paid for my school under the agreement I would pay him back as I insisted. I never heard a word from him about it but paid it all back and abit more as I was living in his house rent free as fast as I could. I think you should just get a new job, move out and tell him to go **** himself :)

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Hey darl,

I agree with the advise given. This young man is not making plans with a view to having you in his future.

If you can, I would leave him sooner so as to not owe him any more then necessary and make an arangement to pay him back as soon as you get a job.

this must be rather heart breaking tho especially if you thought differently about him. Good luck with your decision.

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